Wasted Saturday

A wasted Saturday is a rare and glorious gift to ourself.

It seems that I am good in company at the moment, feeling genuinely cheerful and happy to be in social situations just chatting or dancing or listening to buddies, but am plunging in to worry and anxiety when alone when there is nowhere else to run from myself.  Feeling emotionally breathless is absolutely rubbish and I recommend it to nobody at all, not even my worst enemies.  So, Saturday my daughter and I took a day off of everything, absolutely everything.

When I’d awoken before dawn I realised that I could afford to get a bad day out of my system as I wasn’t required to be anywhere particular this weekend apart from Sunday Services.  I had a two A4 page of Honey-Do’s I’d written for myself, each line being a tiresome project which needed completing in the house preferably before winter falls. And I couldn’t face it.  I was close to tears, on a Saturday! What a waste of tears.  I determined I was not going to cry on my own time!  Instead, I was going to be still.  I was going to ignore the day as long as I could.

My teen padded in to my untidy room around midday and flopped on the bed.  We conspired together that we deserved a complete day off having run ourselves ragged for years.  It was exciting to be in this together.  We chatted a while about books we were reading on Audio because we’re both a little dyslexic and I’d rather listen to a book than struggle with text and so would she.  We’re both perfectly capable of reading but sometimes for recreation we just have someone read the darned book to us.  It feels like cheating but what is the point of technology if you can’t use it to enhance your experience of literature and make available that which you wouldn’t have tackled without the electronic intercedent.

After a while she padded off again and I settled in for more breathing.  Breathing is something I’ve taken for granted all these years but of late my glorious mind keeps trying to trick me that there is insufficient oxygen in the atmosphere.  Stupid glorious mind…

So, I lay there in my unmade bed and breathed.  Then when I’d done that for an hour or so I took a nap, then listened to a show and then breathed again.

I was roused only by the offspring’s enquiry as to what was for dinner.  Without said offspring I would gladly have spent all the hours until the next day in my room, but I’m contracted to care for the kid so up we got and a dinner of beef burgers and pasta was rustled.  Then, relocated to the living room, I sat and breathed some more until I realised it was now 2am and I really should go to my untidy room to breathe.  Brushed my teeth and toddled off to my chamber for some more breathing.

Is it me, or did somebody really turn down the oxygen supply in the atmosphere?  Asking for a friend.

2hrs 15 minutes

I turn over and look at the clock. I turn back and avoid the clock.

2hrs 15 minutes is the average time I’ve been spending in bed in the mornings, awake, trying to gee myself up to be enthusiastic about the day and everything I should have completed the day before which carries over to today and how todays actions are piling up too, compounding the problem.  Waking before the alarm is not something to which I am accustomed.  Laying there staring at the pillow beside me until the very last second is not something I want to make a permanent part of my life.  I sigh.  I turn over and look at the clock.  I turn back and avoid the clock.  I just breathe and try not to think.  I am well slept but weary.  The weariness never abates.  It’ll get better.

Autism, A Digital Brain in an Analogue World

What if a few aspects of Autism were evolutionary leaps and trials? How cool would that be?!

Hypothesis:  Some aspects from various forms of Autism Spectrum Disorders might be humanity’s attempt at an evolutionary leap. 

In my family we hold the opinion that this might be a possibility.  We’ve been mulling the theory round in our minds for a few years and looking for examples to support or refute the suggestion.

 In evolution, Mother Nature for wont of a better description, throws out a variation, a new thing, a “let’s see what happens if I …” in an attempt to gain advantage for subsequent generations and adapt to the environment.  If the adaptation is useful, and if the adaptee can find a mate and let their offspring inherit this new adaptation, it is determined to be a successful adaptation.   

We are familiar with the monkey to man with spear pictogram explaining evolution.  

The monkey adapted, found a mate, the adaptation became widespread and with many proto-human evolutionary lines dying out but others succeeding here we stand today before you as ancestors of that creature who thought to themselves:

“hang on a minute, I can stand up and I think I’ve just invented indoor fire, that’s going to make proteins more palatable and easier to digest which will speed up the incremental development of my brain compared to these other forest and savannah dwelling animals thus giving me advantage in the food chain, I think I’ll invent a spear now, hold my fruit”. 

In our small group, we are collecting examples to see if the quirks and idiosyncrasies of people we meet, some of whom are blessed to be on the spectrum, help or hinder them in this new digital era.  

A person close to me who is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome describes their situation like having a digital brain in an analogue world.

In the digital world there are absolutes, yes no, on off, right wrong.  Modern Computers are digital.

In the analogue world there are variations, perhaps maybe, gradients instead of absolutes.  Long wave radios are analogue.

 The person I was speaking with explained that they can cope with absolutes but ambiguity drives them to distraction even though they pass for Neuro-Typical on any given day.

This same person can be listening to music, reading a book and watching a show on their device while simultaneously taking a walk outside with no aspect of confusion evident.

This person is a “data in” person, craving more and more information, faster and faster and at a more and more complex level until their need to master an understanding of a topic is sated.

It is fascinating to watch. 

I am more of a feelings and gut instinct person.  I gather a few bits of information until I start to see a picture, test the water with an idea then make a decision. 

The two ways of being are not very compatible to say the least!

 Each time we come across someone who might be blessed to be on the spectrum we notice what they are good at, what are their talents, how do they prefer to communicate.

The idea that portions or parts of ASD might be an attempt at an evolutionary leap is gaining traction in our thought process.  We see so many people with natural talents beyond non-spectrum folks natural abilities. 

It is difficult to gauge how many people as a percentage of the population have had ASD’s through the generations of humanity so comparing numbers is ineffective as the opportunity to receive a diagnosis is more prevalent nowadays.  Viewing some aspects of ASD as a positive puts a new perspective in to the frame.  It gives us an opportunity to see the good rather than the difficulty.  It gives us an opportunity to count our blessings and be pleased that we might be part of something bigger than ourselves.  Suddenly, digital is cool.

 

My First LDS Singles Event

A bumpy re-entry to the singles world but an adventure none the less.

So, now that I am officially single again I could start going to the Mormon singles events… wasn’t allowed before because it would have been a married woman in the dating scene which is FORBIDDEN (yep, capital letters).

I went to a Singles event and bumped in to a female acquaintance from when we were teens.  She said “I recognised you from your smile”, how nice is that?!  We became acquainted again, it was lovely having someone to chat with and sit with, she is very lovely.  She has the etiquette of an angel and I was so pleased she was there.

HOWEVER, single people sometimes become gross.  Gender non specific.  The men and the women!  They may have spent too much time by themselves to worry about being polite and then it becomes a hard habit to break when suddenly in company.

They can at the dinner table and when chatting be burpy, sniffy, snorty, snargly froggy sniffs, belchy, cannot eat food in polite company-y without slumping, shovelling, lip smacking, mouth open eating and scooping.

If I ever get like that, please groupon me an etiquette class! Breathing and being human is fine, clearing your throat is fine, having the snuffles is fine, just some of these folks have been in their own company far too long and forgotten how to sit in polite or impolite company!  It was an eye opener.  I was shocked.  I have a relaxed etiquette style and wasn’t expecting silver service but I was shocked.

That being said, next time I might skip the lunch and go straight for the fireside as I learned much and enjoyed getting to know my fellow in the same boat shipmates.  I wouldn’t let table etiquette put me off attending again but next time I will feel more prepared for what I may encounter.  Wish me luck!

It should be sunny out!

It should be sunny out! I want to feel warm and unencumbered, vibrant as I turn my face to the sun.

My resolves are dissolving.  When the sun shines in the morning I spring out of bed and love the day.  I feel vibrant and energetic.  Nothing seems too much bother when the sun is shining.  I never complain about the weather being too hot if I include a caveat of my nations climate running to approx. 32 deg C at its toastiest.  Blue skies boost my happiness.

Nearly a month ago it seems the sun went in and the rain began in my little part of the UK.  Grey skies evoke grey moods.  Resilience reserves dip and life becomes a slog.  A grey day is a sludgy day.  A treacle syrup of a day.  Instead of leaping out of bed in the morning one finds oneself laying under ones duvet staring out of the window at todays deluge for hours while procrastinating the preparation for work and the commute.  If there is a break in the weather and outdoor life resumes – perhaps a bbq or reading a novel seated in the garden or visiting the beach – a person is still wont to keep an eye on the clouds as new weather systems move in at pace.

Body language changes in managing wet weather.  One becomes hunched over to protect the face from raindrops and as a person hunches, so does their demeanour.

I want the open countenanced, blue sky mornings to return.  I want to throw back my shoulders and turn my face to the sun.  I want to stride purposefully rather than tip toe and dodge puddles.  I want to pause and breathe deeply as I open the door to the outside world.  I want to feel warm and unencumbered.  I want to feel vibrant and glisteny.  I remember feeling that way before and I wasn’t too long ago.  It feels like these hopes and wishes are without merit and we might as well skip to winter.

Alluring fine figure of a woman

So I have a week without the munchkin as she goes camping for a week with the other Young Women from the church youth group and other youth groups in this area.  Historically I have scheduled this annual week, my only week) to the rafters and been out dancing and seeing buddies or working on huge projects around the house.  One year I took a few days to decorate Missy’s room.  Another year it took me two days to dig out all the trash from her room.  Swings and roundabouts.  Other years I have done gardening or garage projects or donated time to a valuable cause or two.

This year, her room is tidy and just needs a bit of a go round with the vacuum cleaner.  It is decorated already.  I have two blinds to install, one on the stairwell and one in the spare room so that the neighbours don’t continually get a shock as I am not particularly careful about being robed in our own home and sometimes nosey people cop an eyeful.

But this time I am tired.  I am also superbly alluring as in the past couple of weeks I have broken out in blisters all along my legs and now on my eyes.  So the probability of dating is off the cards right now until this calms down.

Either I have used a product which doesn’t agree with me – there are a couple of candidates – or I need to nap, lots.  I’m going to go with the napping option I think.  I have Netflix, takeaway menu’s, healthy fridge food and the ability to mimic a sloth when required.  I think I’m set.

Apart from now I’m thinking about that grout in the bathroom and how I don’t like it and how I have time to sort it out now.  And the garden needs mowing.  The hedges need taking down a few feet in the back garden, the shed # 2 needs a weathertight roof.  And the floor in the living room could do with a sand and varnish.  And the hallway needs painting, and the ironing needs to be put away, and I need to do some paperwork.  And I could do with getting all the tools back to the shed.  And I haven’t investigated the loft yet apart from sticking my head up there and saying “Huh, that looks pretty full”, and I have to go over some quotes for driveway stuff.

Otherwise though, I think I will get a bit of a nap schedule going.  Hopefully.

 

 

Divorce, why not just Single?

Why on forms for absolutely anything do I have to keep saying divorced instead of single (again)?

Phew, the Decree Absolute arrived which to those who haven’t had this experience means that the divorce is finalised.  I am now a single lady again.  I think I’ll set up kissing booths at all the town shows locally, I’ll perhaps dance on a table or two, and/or perhaps settle back and read a book.  I wish I could rest for a while but the kid was supposed to mow the lawn each week and it hasn’t been done for a month so I ended up mowing that on top of all the other jobs around the house.  The new marital status is a tad discombobulating but satisfying none the less.  I’m going to let this new status sink in for a while.

What I don’t understand is why on forms for quotes for car, house, life insurance or any form in general, there is a section where it asks your name and then asks your matrimonial status, are you married, cohabiting, separated, divorced, single.

Do I for the rest of my life have to keep ticking divorced?  Why not single?  What difference does it make to my risk factors and driving history?  What difference does it make to my life insurance?  Why do I have to keep being reminded of all that went on each time I fill in a form?  How does it affect premiums?  How does it validate or invalidate the information provided?  What stinking difference does it make?  If you have any insight into this matter, please share.