Singing season is nearly upon us which makes me seven kinds of happy.
I’m not gifted or talented in this arena but I am happy and enthusiastic.
With a running start and a lot of help I can get through most songs.
However, I cannot get through some songs without crying.
It is getting ridiculous.
Even the choir point and laugh now 🙂
My daughter, all 5’10” of her, will bend down and kiss me on the forehead saying “awhhh, you’re so sweet”.
I have been giving a lot of thought to what is doing this, why am I reacting this way, what can I do to stop it?
I don’t cry particularly at songs on the radio, or just general songs.
Some bands make me switch off the radio (Coldplay).
Half a phrase, if pertinent to a life experience, can “do me up like a kipper” as they’d say in London where I grew up.
An idea, a hope, a happy aspiration, a companionship with something bigger than myself, a “you’re not alone in this, we’ll get through”, an “I know what’s going on, I get it” or a “your friend felt this very same way” is able to get under my ribs.
Those very same ribs that I protect and defend and pretend are impenetrable.
Just for a moment.
Sometimes the moment is less than a heartbeat long.
It takes away my ability to breathe, speak or blink without crying.
That thing where your throat closes happens too.
And the daft thing is that I’m not even sad when it happens.
Momentarily and out of context, grief or hope, or griefy hope, will wash through me.
Even now while typing this just the idea of it is making me a little misty eyed.
So, ever being a solution oriented person, I’m trying to face the fact that this happens and find a way to fix this embarrassing problem.
I am currently trying to desensitise myself to one of the songs in the list of numbers we are practicing – Oh Holy Night.
I’m on my 17th listen to it already today but so far no dice, it’s not working, I am no more numbed to it than I was at the 2nd listening. When the harmonies start up, I am undone.
And this is all well and good for the items I know are on the agenda, but our lovely choir masters are deft at a sneak attack of bringing in a new item, with its cruel and unusual punishment of half a phrase which does me up like a kipper, so a retrospective action is fine but I’m not able to forward plan and prevent this happening thus far.
Send in your ideas on a postcard.