Want to have a baby – Training Manual

There is no manual for raising a child, they said…. well, there is now… get your chops around this and don’t say you weren’t warned ahead of time.

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If you’re thinking of having a kid, a cute, snuggly, smells like talc kid, I would add a word of caution.

Go to the back garden, taking your purse filled with your money and bank cards, wallet, favourite things, your nice clothes, your ordinary clothes, and a box of matches.

Now set it all on fire.

Poke the fire for a while, really get it burning.

Burning good? 

Great.

Now take a demanding older person on holiday, never letting her out of your sight. 

Accommodate all of her wants and needs at all times, day or night.

If you plan on having more than one kiddo, take an extra adult for every extra kid, same rules apply, never let them out of your sight.

Now slap yourself in the face to simulate emotionally hurtful words the teens will throw at you.

Switch on all the lights in the house, leave them that way for 18 years. 

Start the taps running now.

Develop your career based on hoping your boss doesn’t notice holiday days are being taken to coincide with teacher training days, all the time.  Fake a cold when overseas travel is mentioned.  A sneezy, “don’t travel with me, look at this sneezy cold” cold.  Add a cough for authenticity.

Wet some bath towels and leave them as a trip hazard.

Have someone on standby to roll their eyes at you without notice.

Cook a dinner, have someone come and scrape that dinner in to the bin and get a chocolate croissant from the cupboard instead.

Leave everything, everywhere, and clamber over, then yell a while and get it all picked up and start over again.

Now stay awake for 15 years.

Managed to get a new purse?

Great, go back to the garden and burn that too.  No!  Don’t take out your bank cards.

Now, if you still want babies, go for it.

Still fun?

Don’t say you were not warned.

Author: Pollyanna Whyte

Single LDS Mormon Mum/Mom living in England. This is our blog on emotional health, fun, parenting, life, divorce, starting over, friends, family, church things, and budgeting. Stop by, tell us what you think, feel free to share (but credit the source please).

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