I can’t be honest with you. I’m doing great, I’m energetic and enthusiastic, I’m embracing life with all of it’s quirks, I’m physically strong and emotionally strong.
Polly-Hannah, however, might be having a hard time right about now. She may have stayed under her duvet for most of Saturday – apart form nipping to the bank and quickly getting her eyebrows done – and she may have managed to stay awake for most of Sunday but that’s because she couldn’t stand still without falling asleep on the Saturday so was physically well rested.
Polly-Hannah is managing everything she needs to manage, the work is done, the laundry is folded, the kid is fed, she is replying to the solicitor without delay, she is opening her post, she is keeping appointments with the government at their request, she is managing her budget… technically she’s all over it like white on rice, managing up a storm. However, it costs her in energy. Not the “oh, I could do with a 10 minute shut eye” replenishable energy dip, but an energy crisis where even thinking about washing her hair makes her cry. An absolute crisis.
This, I think, is what some people refer to as High Functioning Depression – but she’s not sad, she’s just overwhelmed with the thousand different potential outcomes of what lies ahead of her and their implications and their impact on her ability to provide for herself and her daughter all the days of their lives (or until the dependant is no longer dependent and is a fully fledged and happy adult with options and optimism). She is so overwhelmed that the idea of breathing was something that felt so difficult to muster the energy to manage that she cried again, privately, and she hoped the chest pains from wave after wave of anxiety attacks (or what she calls acknowledgement of consequences and outcomes attacks) would dissipate sooner rather than later.
But otherwise, she’s fine thanks.
If you see Polly-Hannah in the street, stop and say Hi, tell her you love what she’s done with her hair, catch her up with your news whether it be good or bad – it doesn’t matter but it does give her something to think about other than her own circumstance, and maybe grab a cup of hot chocolate together. She’s great company and you sure do help just by being who you’ve always been.