Feeling Mighty and Fragile at the same time

Ok, so, if I don’t link this post to FB, you know, where people have met me before, I can get something off my chest (but I might).


Ok, so, if I don’t link this post to Facebook, you know, where people have met me before, I can get something off my chest.

Between you and me, I am losing patience and getting cross and feeling mighty and feeling fragile all at once.  I don’t know how it is possible to hold so many persona’s in one mind simultaneously but it appears to be happening.  It is making me feel like a flight-risk and wanting to run away.  I need to work through this so you are going to cop it.  Get a cuppa, sit down and just nod like you’re listening.

I am starting to feel agitated again when post arrives at my house, because brown envelopes are invariably not great news or are demanding new information on a short timeframe regarding some personal matters. Last time I supplied information in plenty of time, they decided that they’d change the due date after the fact (they really do that stuff) and cancelled the contract anyway!  It is constant.  It is supposed to be once a year for a renewal of information but with government changes it is something required of me now every couple of weeks and the stakes are so high that I get agitated and cross and anxious.  I feel so sorry for people who are not “Corporate Competent” or business savvy… I find it hard enough dealing with these people with 20 years of contracts and negotiations experience behind me.  How do other people manage without that experience?  No wonder the general public sound so het up when talking about these things.

Next, Mr P appears to be delaying the mortgage house valuation which means to me that each day I wake up and think “what a flipping drag and inconvenience, is today the day it all gets signed off and we can move forward with contracts and conveyancing?”.  Every. Single. Day.  I am reminded that I am waiting on someone else to comply.  It has been two months.  We only have 2 months left to the court mandated date.  I am not allowed to become outwardly agitated, fine.  Doesn’t stop the feelings.

Next, today the rent just went up and I have to sign a 6 month contract for the house we’re living in, and the drawing up of the contract has a fee attached too.  The reasoning was “Because Mortgage rates are sky high at the moment”… erm, no, no they are not, they’ve never been lower, this is greed, do not lie to me you incompetent oaf. The agent tried for 12% rent increase.  I agreed to 8%.  It blows monkey chunks.  “Monkey chunks” to me conjures up images of banana filled ape vomit. The worst kind of imaginary vomit.

When I sleep, I’m having bad dreams.  Not nightmares that are scary, just bad dreams and awake feeling less rested than when I went to bed.  I haven’t made my bed since I last changed the sheets.  I just cannot be bothered.  It seems futile.  It is getting to the point where the only time the bed is made is when the sheets are changed.  Luckily that is frequently.

So, I would benefit from the government not being a pig faced demanding and uncompassionate monolith, I could do with my Landlord not gouging rents for an ok but not fancy house, I could do with getting some restful sleep, I could do with people making and keeping their appointments to keep a legal process moving onward, I could do with my new spectacles not pinching the bridge of my nose, I could do with my kiddo putting the dishes away on day 1 not day 4 after 3 days of reminders and not when she flipping well feels like it, I could do with my fringe being a little shorter, I could do with my car being washed and vacuumed and that little rust spot on the hatchback door being taken care of, I could do with having less stuff to pack and move, I could do with a moving date, I could do with people keeping their commitments, I could do with not having an “I could do with” list.

In the mean time, I will wear the dress to work and the red lipstick, be CDOF (shipping term for clean, dry and odour free) and brush my hair.  I will smile at people, I will laugh with people, I will fill in the latest batches of Government forms, I will follow up with the mortgage company again, I will pack all crockery except two place settings and two cutlery settings and two cups to alleviate the need for the argument, I will buy two nice pillows and throw away the rest which have gone flat and are giving me neck ache.  I will eat something with vitamins and not my go-to carb-fest.  I will visit with the lovely sisters I am assigned to.  I will receive guests graciously. I will attend Sunday services.

So, I can control the paperwork and my self-care.  The mortgage, I can nudge but I have no control over that so I’ll have to relinquish the agitation attached to the tardiness.  The rent, well, they’re a business and I am grateful that all being well and knock on wood, I won’t be subject to their whims for very much longer.  8% is a lot of money to find, and it would go up again next year and the year after.  That’s lots of percents.  If you are a mortgage payer, imagine if your mortgage went up 8-12% every year.  Not funny, eh.

The world would run much better if people just did what I said.  You’d thank me for it.  I’d say, “Mortgage company, do the valuation please” and it’d get done, and “Government, stop hounding vulnerable members of society for information you already have, you bullies” and they’d comply, and “Child, put the dishes away now” and poof, dishes in the cupboard, and “Colleague, if you keep smacking your lips while you eat, you’ll be eating through medical intervention once I’m done with you” and poof, no more lip smacking.  No nagging, no revisiting, no repeat demands.  It’d be great.  You’d love it.  You’d have tonnes of free time because you wouldn’t be procrastinating or revisiting tasks.  You could take up hobbies and interests.  You could see your friends more often or less often as you desire permits.  It’d be great.  Just do the task first time please and save someone else losing their mind with “I want to beast you so hard right now, really, and if I start I doubt I’d ever in mortality stop”-ness.  It’s better for us all.

For me, feeling fragile is actually unexpressed anger.  A helplessness.  A helplessness because I perceive if I let this beast loose there will be no putting it back in the kennel and people’s feelings would get hurt. But I am not helpless, things just aren’t running to my preferred timetable right now.  As Babe Ruth is reported to have said “You just can’t beat the person who never gives up”.  Among the fragility and anger is tenacity.  Ask my mum why my name around the family is Weeble for the background on that one.

Today I nearly gave up, and then I remembered who I was and heaven help anyone who stands in my way now.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings while I worked through this.  It really was on the hoof.  Top to bottom, no stopping.  Better out than in.  I feel better now.  Don’t forget to wash up your imaginary coffee cup before you go. Have a good one, folks. x






Author: Pollyanna Whyte

Single LDS Mormon Mum/Mom living in England. This is my blog on emotional health, fun, parenting, life, divorce, starting over, friends, family, church things, and budgeting. Stop by, tell us what you think, feel free to share (but credit the source please).

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