VT changes broke my heart

So, blessings in disguise are headed my way along with new friendships but in the meantime I am heartbroken and somewhat bloody furious until the sorrow subsides and I grow into the new situation. Change happens, I get it, in most arenas that is perfectly fine, but this one cut close to the quick.  I don’t need anyone to fix this, sympathise or share wise words. That is what men do. I just need a little time to get used to the new arrangement.

Within my faith we have two pastoral care systems to look out for each other, Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching. Home Teaching is run by the men and Visiting Teaching by the women. They call by each month and see how you are doing, are you well, do you have a need, how are the kids, do you need anything doing around the house that you cannot manage. Some people look out for anything I need help with, and I have the opportunity to look out for others. It is a simple and lovely set up.

My HTs have changed frequently, no great shakes. My Visiting Teachers have been the same since shortly after I arrived in this town 15 years ago.

They have seen me through arriving up here, excommunicated.

They have seen me go back to church and cheerfully not be able to participate for 8 years because I wasn’t married, just so Missy could be raised in the gospel.

They’ve seen me through a relationship that turned in to a marriage and a divorce.

They’ve been with me through someone sharing “it is a good thing you are marrying Missy’s dad [who is black] otherwise if you were to marry a white person, Missy would be a rebuke and a reminder of your sin all the days of your life”.

They’ve been with me through the stepping away from church because I couldn’t be around that person for a while.

They’ve been with me through difficult times with Missy, diagnoses, learning curves, mistakes, realisations and restitutions.

They’ve seen Missy grow from a curly headed toddler to a statuesque young woman.

They’ve been allowed in to my house, which I guard fiercely.

They were my surrogate family when for a few years my own immediate family were actively cold toward me.

They were there through the emergency house moves to protect the little one.

They were there through the threats and intimidation by Mr P.

They were there through lay offs at work.

They were there when I was sick.

They were there to share awful jokes and laugh so hard we cried.

They were there through returning to church.

They were there through going back to the Temple.

They were there through seeing my daughter choose to be baptised.

They were there through Missy going to the Temple.

They were there through us making a new life.

They were there when I couldn’t find words to explain how I felt and they hugged me while I cried.

They were there.

And now I am required to get used to somebody else coming in to my life.

So much keeps changing and this is another thing on the list.

If the powers that be offered to reinstate the previous set up, I would decline. They decided this. Let’s see what the future holds.

I am friendly with many and share the good and the how we got over the bad with lots of folks but rarely share an unedited or real time and vulnerable version of how things are even with friends or family. I have a huge concern around taking up people’s time. I find it difficult to gauge how much time people have mentally allocated to a conversation.

I think 5 people have an access all areas pass and these sisters held two of those.

So now I have the opportunity to learn how to stay close friends and share accordingly, but in my heart I carry sorrow that this is not going to happen easily.

I love these two ladies. I actually love them like family ought to be. We have never yelled at each other. They never ridiculed me, hit me or told me I was up myself, I have never been mean to them, their love and acceptance was never ever conditional.

So, here’s to new horizons, eh.  Abrupt. So?

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First Date

So, I said I would do it and I did. I haven’t lost heart yet but have decided to date again as opportunity arises. Met a chap today for a beverage at my favourite local venue.  He was CDOF which is a shipping term for clean, dry and odour free so that was a promising start. He chatted for 2 hours straight and I had the chance to chat for 6 minutes. Scottish people talk a lot. I think he was either blinkered, slightly arrogant or lonely… I am not sure which but probably the latter but his stories were funny and interesting so it was fine. Prior to the date there were no tummy butterflies. At the end of the date he asked to go out again. During his chat we learn he was in the same regiment as my ex, and is a HGV driver like my dad so internally I pulled a face because of my issues, nowt to do with what he was saying. 

What we learn from this experience is that it is nice to get out, you can have a nice afternoon with someone even though you don’t fancy them, that having people in the nicest possible sense to practice dating on without consequences (how to chat and not snarl or make people cry) is officially a good thing, that getting spruced up and is easy and fun and that people sometime wanting to see you again is somewhat flattering. 

If other dates occur I will keep you apprised.  If you know anyone nice, handsome, preferably LDS, and willing to go on blind dates then set us up 🙂 

Dating, make the invitation Guys!

Have men become lazy or lost their confidence?  I am chatting with a couple of folks who have asked about my relationship status, have shared some info about themselves, have shared that they want to carry on talking, have shared some of their interests and aspirations and there has been reciprocation from my side.  They haven’t made an invitation to go out.  They’re twits!

Here’s how it needs to go to get anywhere, folks.

  1. Notice someone you like
  2. Pay them some positive and non creepy attention
  3. Invite them to something
  4. Review whether you like them

It is not rocket science, it is a basic commitment pattern.  Muster up some gumption, shake off the apathy, ask.

Not re-inventing the wheel here.  Humans have been doing this in some form for a million years.  This is basic hunter/gatherer stuff.  It is likely encoded into our DNA.  Best outcome someone says yes, worst they say no thank you.  Nobody perished.  Boys, start asking.  Girls, don’t be mares.

If your thing is same gender attraction in any variation, someone ask, someone say yes.

Mr P’s Dad laughed at his downfall

Got back this time last week from a visit to Mr P’s family in Jamaica… took Missy to see her grandparents.  They expressed much happiness at the idea of us visiting, they were joyful and eager for us to arrive and we were delighted to travel 4000 miles to see them.

What I wasn’t particularly expecting was so much unspoken support from Mr P Senior.  Oh that guy, my current Father In Law, is a delight.  He is smart, sharp as a tack and funny as heck.  He is the father of many grown children.  This is not his first rodeo.  He calls it like he sees it.

Missy mentioned in passing that she’s excited about moving house in Spring time so she can decorate her room and have friends stay and Senior hooted with happy laughter!  He hooted and clapped his hands.  He and I exchanged a quick glance, my glance was a raised eyebrows question and his was a confirmation, he winked at me, nodded and smiled!  Then he yelled happily to Missy in his booming and broad accented voice, “Good luck, my girl, I hope it is wonderful for you” .

Senior is fully aware that Mr P has to move out of the matrimonial home and he laughed!

I don’t think there have been surprises like that for me for ages.  I thought he’d be cross or upset with us, but he is joyful.

I love that old guy.  Long may he reign.

x

Dating again…

I am thinking of dating again.

Last time I dated, Wham! were at the top of the charts and Salt n Peppa were pushing it while Soul to Soul were very much Back To Life.  Yep, the 80’s were a heady time.

Don’t know if I should break out the 80’s regalia in honour of this new embarkation in life.  Maybe some hair crimpers, or neon hairbands.

Anyway, providing I don’t take my own advice, I think I might be sufficiently very much not ready to date again… you know, that excited space in time where you stand at the edge of something scary thinking you can’t but then you do anyway and it works out ok?  Just me?  Ok.

So, if you have any referrals, let me know.  I’m looking for realllllly nice people who don’t get stressed or snippy and who laugh with people a lot.  Not much of a shopping list but you’d be surprised how many people that weeds out.  Geographical continent not an issue, time zones can be worked around.  Must not have a cat owing to allergies.

So, get busy folks.  Who’d you know that’d get along great with me?

No Longer Using the “D” Word

Our story changes quickly as we heal and grow so in the spirit of redefining what always was, I have decided to define personal experiences with “depression” as “not quite ok-ness” from this point forth.

I have tried to define it in the past, what with me being content and happy and excited about life and all that but there isn’t a word I have come across for describing the process of learning, growing, sometimes feeling a tinge of grief but mostly being absolutely flipping fine and standing tall and happy …. so I made one up.

Feel free to borrow it yourself, “not quite ok-ness”.  If you have a more appropriate and non made up word, please feel free to share.

Hoop Earrings

Never underestimate the value to your sashay that hoop earrings deliver.

They turn a blah outfit into Oh La Laaa.

They put a swing in your step.

They accentuate lipstick and make your hair look divine.

They make you feel feminine.

It doesn’t matter that they’re brash or trash, they put a skip in the step which is invaluable.

I often forget how effective a simple pair of earrings are.