So, blessings in disguise are headed my way along with new friendships but in the meantime I am heartbroken and somewhat bloody furious until the sorrow subsides and I grow into the new situation. Change happens, I get it, in most arenas that is perfectly fine, but this one cut close to the quick. I don’t need anyone to fix this, sympathise or share wise words. That is what men do. I just need a little time to get used to the new arrangement.
Within my faith we have two pastoral care systems to look out for each other, Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching. Home Teaching is run by the men and Visiting Teaching by the women. They call by each month and see how you are doing, are you well, do you have a need, how are the kids, do you need anything doing around the house that you cannot manage. Some people look out for anything I need help with, and I have the opportunity to look out for others. It is a simple and lovely set up.
My HTs have changed frequently, no great shakes. My Visiting Teachers have been the same since shortly after I arrived in this town 15 years ago.
They have seen me through arriving up here, excommunicated.
They have seen me go back to church and cheerfully not be able to participate for 8 years because I wasn’t married, just so Missy could be raised in the gospel.
They’ve seen me through a relationship that turned in to a marriage and a divorce.
They’ve been with me through someone sharing “it is a good thing you are marrying Missy’s dad [who is black] otherwise if you were to marry a white person, Missy would be a rebuke and a reminder of your sin all the days of your life”.
They’ve been with me through the stepping away from church because I couldn’t be around that person for a while.
They’ve been with me through difficult times with Missy, diagnoses, learning curves, mistakes, realisations and restitutions.
They’ve seen Missy grow from a curly headed toddler to a statuesque young woman.
They’ve been allowed in to my house, which I guard fiercely.
They were my surrogate family when for a few years my own immediate family were actively cold toward me.
They were there through the emergency house moves to protect the little one.
They were there through the threats and intimidation by Mr P.
They were there through lay offs at work.
They were there when I was sick.
They were there to share awful jokes and laugh so hard we cried.
They were there through returning to church.
They were there through going back to the Temple.
They were there through seeing my daughter choose to be baptised.
They were there through Missy going to the Temple.
They were there through us making a new life.
They were there when I couldn’t find words to explain how I felt and they hugged me while I cried.
They were there.
And now I am required to get used to somebody else coming in to my life.
So much keeps changing and this is another thing on the list.
If the powers that be offered to reinstate the previous set up, I would decline. They decided this. Let’s see what the future holds.
I am friendly with many and share the good and the how we got over the bad with lots of folks but rarely share an unedited or real time and vulnerable version of how things are even with friends or family. I have a huge concern around taking up people’s time. I find it difficult to gauge how much time people have mentally allocated to a conversation.
I think 5 people have an access all areas pass and these sisters held two of those.
So now I have the opportunity to learn how to stay close friends and share accordingly, but in my heart I carry sorrow that this is not going to happen easily.
I love these two ladies. I actually love them like family ought to be. We have never yelled at each other. They never ridiculed me, hit me or told me I was up myself, I have never been mean to them, their love and acceptance was never ever conditional.
So, here’s to new horizons, eh. Abrupt. So?