Is it Domestic Violence? How to discern.

I can testify that through the other side of scary is a delightful, gorgeous, joyfully ordinary life free of fear and free of worry over things which shouldn’t be a thing.



Thanks to my friends at Women’s Aid ( and the founder Pat Craven, there is a handy infographic to help a person figure out if their relationship is affected by Domestic Abuse.

What we do is look at the picture above and tick any that apply to our situation if there are any at all.

If a person can tick a bullet point, it is cause for concern.

If the page looks like a teacher marking homework, help is needed and required to navigate a dangerous situation.

If you are in a relationship, please review the different types of abuse on the picture and see if you are impacted.  This is also gender non-specific.  If you are in a same gender relationship, same rules apply.

To, to recap, one tick on one line, might be indicative of a problem.  Two or more ticks and we have a problem which needs resolving.

Abusers behaviour is never novel or new or innovative.  It is textbook cliché, every single time.  Experts literally write textbooks about this stuff.  It is also dangerous and will never ever ever ever go away by itself no matter how much the recipient of the abuse tries harder.  Never.  It will never stop because you wish for it so or because you comply with the current demands.  Never.  It only escalates.

There is a pattern, it is documentable.  An abuser isn’t doing anything new or innovative.  What they are doing, however, is dangerous and frightening.  But it doesn’t have to remain so.

There is help.  Lots and lots of help.  People take this stuff seriously nowadays.  Police are well trained, they get other services involved as appropriate, Judges have seen this a thousand times.

But first, review.  Is your relationship healthy and safe?

Here’s what a healthy and safe relationship looks like:



It’s not rocket science, it is not rare as gold dust, there are a great many good people out there who’s affection is not frightening or conditional.

Women’s Aid ( is choc full of pertinent and useful information.  I recommend them wholeheartedly, they’re a safe place, their website doesn’t leave cookies or history on your device if you hit the really big “don’t leave cookies or history on my device” button.

I trust them.

Nobody should live fearfully.

It is a scary time, likely a recipient of this behaviour has been conditioned to believe they’re to blame, if they behaved differently then it’d all be fine, that if they try and leave the perpetrator will keep the kids.  That if they’d put out more they wouldn’t have been forced to have all those affairs.  That if the recipient were more trustworthy they wouldn’t have to bug or scrutinise their phone and decide which friends could be around.  That if they were a better parent they wouldn’t have forced the abuser to shove them around and hit them in front of the kids.

Re. the custody thing….. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

It is not written in to law but is typical and common practice.

If the kiddo’s are in senior school, the judge will ask them who they would prefer to be with if it gets to that point.  And the judge will listen.

Talk to a friend.  Determine if you are willing to act.  Please be willing to act.

I can testify that through the other side of scary is a delightful, gorgeous, joyfully ordinary life free of fear and free of worry over things which shouldn’t be a thing.

There are ordinary worries, bills, schedules, kids playing up and being a bit of a worry or pain in the posterior.  We call this “normal life”.

However, there is safety, happiness, contentment, freedom (oh the joy of freedom from abuse – there’s nothing comparable).  There is emotional growth, there is calmness, there is dancing in the kitchen just because you can, there’s kissing boys who fancy you!  There is happiness.

Now it is likely the recipient has forgotten what that feels like, but it is worth pursuing.

In closing, if there’s been a blow-up recently, there’ll be a honeymoon period, but we know – it is textbook – that the honeymoon period will not last.  People are poised to help, plus you are tough and if you had to, you have it in you to go it alone because alone is better than this, surely?  You’re tough, you’ve survived this thus far, you can surely survive being happy and safe!


Cycle of abuse.png



Toughen up a bit, People.

Lamenting and pearl clutching are becoming a hobby born of a feeling of impotence, of feeling like there is nothing that can be done, a default reaction, and yet those move the cause along hardly at all.

I love that all kind of -ism’s are being called out and revealed in broad daylight.  I love that everyone from creepy weirdo’s to predatory world and industry leaders cannot now easily hide their evil doings by throwing money at the problem or intimidating somebody in to silence.  I love that people are finding a voice, are being heard and have courage to say the difficult truthful thing.  Love it.

There are times where feelings occur, it is natural to have compassion for our fellow person on this planet.  These feelings are a motivating force.  But that brings me to my point.  Force and power.

People, I perceive, are clutching at their pearls and lamenting about awfulness which every woman on the planet has known is going on for generations.  And then people are clutching and lamenting further and then a little more.  I perceive that lamenting and pearl clutching are becoming a hobby born of a feeling of impotence, of feeling like there is nothing that can be done, a default reaction, and yet those move the cause along hardly at all.   Speakers need people to hear them, absolutely.

We cannot become a nation of cissy’s, of passive people, of those who wring their handkerchief between their fingers in helpless distress.

We have to be able to face the unpleasant things in life and we have to be able to deal with it there and then.  We have to reclaim laughing in the face of adversity.  We have to be able to demand a seat at the table of our own life.  The best creativity, art, music always stem from periods of adversity.  Maybe the best of our life can be brought forth in times of trial and difficulty.

We need to know who we are despite what others say about us.  If somebody withdrew their approval, would we be bereft or flounder?  No!  We wouldn’t, we’re tougher than that!  Our emotional core strength is invaluable.

With the caveat that we should do no harm to ourselves or others, it matters not whether somebody accepts our lifestyle.  Do we accept ourselves?  Are we going to embrace the good in life while the others yell in to their own echo chamber?  Are we going to bruise at an unkind word or are we going to be resilient and cheerfully persist?  If somebody insists on telling us all our faults, can we be resolute in our own sense of humility and self worth?  Can we continue to learn and grow, developing an amazing life?

Standing in front of evil ill intent and boldly declaring as Gandalf “You Shall Not Pass”, or as Doctor Who “She Is Defended” is a minimum starting point.  A swift “thanks for your input” and going your own way is another possibility.  A further step would be to separate our wants for our life from the wants of others for our life.

To whimper and twist a hanky will do nobody any good.

For items playing out on the worldwide stage, there are things we can do.  We can write to our government representative if the matter relates to a national situation.  We can join Amnesty International’s Facebook page (how  easy can that be!), always be polite if you are contacting an organisation.  We can donate to organisations pulling in the same direction.  We can be a person who can be confided in, who survivors and fellow travellers can trust.

Be true to your word and be braver than you think you are.

And laugh, laugh lots, laugh at funny things.  Take away the fear of living in a dented world.  Go out dancing, have kitchen discos, use the nice things you own and treat yourself and the people around you kindly.  Speak the truth.  Have the courage of your convictions and the courage to continue learning.  Hold the line.

But for the love of sunshine, stop clutching your pearls.




Passion not Panic

Almost nothing is so urgent that it requires an absolute split second decision. There is time. Time can be our friend in most cases.


Chatting with a colleague friend yesterday I uttered the words “the decisions I’ve made recently have been borne of panic not passion” and a moment of clarity ensued.

I desire to live a life of passion, to passionately pursue my goals and to enjoy my 72 free goes around the Sun. Continue reading “Passion not Panic”


My First LDS Singles Event

A bumpy re-entry to the singles world but an adventure none the less.


So, now that I am officially single again I could start going to the Mormon singles events… wasn’t allowed before because it would have been a married woman in the dating scene which is FORBIDDEN (yep, capital letters).

I went to a Singles event and bumped in to a female acquaintance from when we were teens.  She said “I recognised you from your smile”, how nice is that?!  We became acquainted again, it was lovely having someone to chat with and sit with, she is very lovely.  She has the etiquette of an angel and I was so pleased she was there.

HOWEVER, single people sometimes become gross.  Gender non specific.  The men and the women!  They may have spent too much time by themselves to worry about being polite and then it becomes a hard habit to break when suddenly in company.

They can at the dinner table and when chatting be burpy, sniffy, snorty, snargly froggy sniffs, belchy, cannot eat food in polite company-y without slumping, shovelling, lip smacking, mouth open eating and scooping.

If I ever get like that, please groupon me an etiquette class! Breathing and being human is fine, clearing your throat is fine, having the snuffles is fine, just some of these folks have been in their own company far too long and forgotten how to sit in polite or impolite company!  It was an eye opener.  I was shocked.  I have a relaxed etiquette style and wasn’t expecting silver service but I was shocked.

That being said, next time I might skip the lunch and go straight for the fireside as I learned much and enjoyed getting to know my fellow in the same boat shipmates.  I wouldn’t let table etiquette put me off attending again but next time I will feel more prepared for what I may encounter.  Wish me luck!


Alluring fine figure of a woman

So I have a week without the munchkin as she goes camping for a week with the other Young Women from the church youth group and other youth groups in this area.  Historically I have scheduled this annual week, my only week) to the rafters and been out dancing and seeing buddies or working on huge projects around the house.  One year I took a few days to decorate Missy’s room.  Another year it took me two days to dig out all the trash from her room.  Swings and roundabouts.  Other years I have done gardening or garage projects or donated time to a valuable cause or two.

This year, her room is tidy and just needs a bit of a go round with the vacuum cleaner.  It is decorated already.  I have two blinds to install, one on the stairwell and one in the spare room so that the neighbours don’t continually get a shock as I am not particularly careful about being robed in our own home and sometimes nosey people cop an eyeful.

But this time I am tired.  I am also superbly alluring as in the past couple of weeks I have broken out in blisters all along my legs and now on my eyes.  So the probability of dating is off the cards right now until this calms down.

Either I have used a product which doesn’t agree with me – there are a couple of candidates – or I need to nap, lots.  I’m going to go with the napping option I think.  I have Netflix, takeaway menu’s, healthy fridge food and the ability to mimic a sloth when required.  I think I’m set.

Apart from now I’m thinking about that grout in the bathroom and how I don’t like it and how I have time to sort it out now.  And the garden needs mowing.  The hedges need taking down a few feet in the back garden, the shed # 2 needs a weathertight roof.  And the floor in the living room could do with a sand and varnish.  And the hallway needs painting, and the ironing needs to be put away, and I need to do some paperwork.  And I could do with getting all the tools back to the shed.  And I haven’t investigated the loft yet apart from sticking my head up there and saying “Huh, that looks pretty full”, and I have to go over some quotes for driveway stuff.

Otherwise though, I think I will get a bit of a nap schedule going.  Hopefully.




Divorce, why not just Single?

Why on forms for absolutely anything do I have to keep saying divorced instead of single (again)?


Phew, the Decree Absolute arrived which to those who haven’t had this experience means that the divorce is finalised.  I am now a single lady again.  I think I’ll set up kissing booths at all the town shows locally, I’ll perhaps dance on a table or two, and/or perhaps settle back and read a book.  I wish I could rest for a while but the kid was supposed to mow the lawn each week and it hasn’t been done for a month so I ended up mowing that on top of all the other jobs around the house.  The new marital status is a tad discombobulating but satisfying none the less.  I’m going to let this new status sink in for a while.

What I don’t understand is why on forms for quotes for car, house, life insurance or any form in general, there is a section where it asks your name and then asks your matrimonial status, are you married, cohabiting, separated, divorced, single.

Do I for the rest of my life have to keep ticking divorced?  Why not single?  What difference does it make to my risk factors and driving history?  What difference does it make to my life insurance?  Why do I have to keep being reminded of all that went on each time I fill in a form?  How does it affect premiums?  How does it validate or invalidate the information provided?  What stinking difference does it make?  If you have any insight into this matter, please share.



How do you get over homelessness?

How does a person previously made blamelessly homeless start a new future without fear of being homeless again?


Ok, I have a question and I am genuinely looking for ideas.

With everything which happened my daughter and I were effectively made homeless overnight when we hadn’t missed a payment or damaged anything.  I was married, I thought we were somewhat ok enough, I loved him very much and I thought we had a stable home. But then everything happened and all that was removed.  I had to quickly find rentals for me and the child.  I have a pretty decent job so even though we’d been kept short of money by Mister and had no savings, the promise of a paypacket was enough to tide us over.  We found a place to stay, and then a different place a few months later and then have rented round and about over the last four years since that time.

But, I’m moving into a purchased home this spring and never want to ever be made homeless or be put in a housing-vulnerable situation again after romantic altercations.

I’ve started dating, have entered the dating scene, it’s fun, sometimes a bit meh but thinking ahead I don’t know how to feel secure or happy or safe in a future dated spouse or partner (cos I’m a fine catch!!!) making us homeless again in the future.  I was with my husband since I was 19, we split when I was 42, that’s a lot of years to think you are happy enough and house secure.

How has anyone trusted anyone again after homelessness?

How does that work, what are the mechanics?  How does a person make their future self safe from such a danger?

The idea of half-half responsibility leaves me cold with fear… what if we separated and I had to start over yet again with only half.

The idea of having my own home and someone move in when the time is right leaves me cold with fear… again, they could make a claim against the house.

Let’s be clear, it is a little house in an ok neighbourhood, it is not fancy.  But it will be safe and it will be mine and so long as I let not even a visitor in nobody could take my safety from me again. (I will let in visitors, obviously!)

But how does one make appropriate plans for a future that isn’t here yet?